choices. and the people who love me anyway.

i get into these little periods of time where i endlessly lament (or whine about) how little time i have. 

i am hopelessly behind on everything. 

i am a terrible friend who never calls, never writes.

i never go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything.

all i ever do is work, and the schedule i keep because of work SUCKS.

huff!


but the thing is, i choose this.

i do.

and i choose this for one reason; i want to run.

period.

and the me who is two steps shy of 40 is not the me of long ago.

i cannot just "get up and run" like i once could; like many still can.

i have to get up early enough to deal with digestive issues and arthritic knees, and that takes all the time before i must get ready for work so that i'm only slightly late.

then after work it's about the run (or the cross train), ice, and compression braces, and getting to bed as early as possible to get up at ridiculous o'clock to do it all over again.

i eat my main meal of the day at work in 15 minutes or less.

i really don't see or talk to my family or friends.

i really don't go anywhere or do anything.

and i really do choose this.

because i love to run.


but the thing is, the people who love me, who care about me, get this about me.

they get that running isn't just something i do.  it's part of who i am.  and that i am miserable without it.

they get that, when i'm following the work calendar, they won't see me or hear from me.

they get that, when i'm following the work calendar, i think about them all the time and send them love and light and the best possible vibes.

they get that in june, july, and august i will see them and call them and write to them (and actually comment on their blog posts instead of just reading them and smiling and sending love out into the ether).

they get that i love them dearly, and that i love them all the more for accepting and respecting this aspect of me.


so stride on. 

not just me, but everyone who allows me to be me.

stride on.

march. thank you.

 

january?  february?

 

they sucked.

 

really and truly.

 

i can't give a clear reason why.  i can't point to any one thing that made the past two months extra awful.  there really wasn't anything terribly different than other months.

 

perhaps it was the combined weight of a dozen other, smaller things from months past,  things that just can't seem to get sorted out, and they just built up and built up until the weight was crushing.

 

i don't know.

 

but that's just how it was. 

 

it was a struggle each day.  to get out of bed.  to make a path from one end of the day to the other.  to do anything that wasn't absolutely necessary.  to play nice.  to smile.  to run.  to be me.

 

hubby and i laughed out loud (in a sarcastic/bitter way) the day this showed up on the calendar.

 

 

 (we left it on the fridge.  as a reminder.)

it seemed almost fitting that i would end the month of february sicker than i've been in years.  kind of like one last "ha!"

then i turned the calendar page.

march.

i brushed off the cobwebs.  took out the hibiscus tea.  hung up a training plan.  registered for spring races.  hunted up the spring detox grocery list.  unpacked the bunnies.

i started to look for silver linings. 

i've gotten as far as "being hideously sick for a week gave me two days off work and allowed me to read two books and watch two movies."

it's a start.  and it's more than i've been able to muster in awhile.

because a page turned. 

and it's time (finally, thankfully) to march forward.