big time

i've already started packing.  well, i've started making piles.  i'm a little unclear as to what i'll need.  the weather's been a bit schizophrenic, so i've got pants, capris, shorts, tank tops, short sleeves, long sleeves, fleece, several hat and headband choices, gloves, and a scarf.

i don't leave for five days, but still. i need to prepare.

it's almost big race weekend.

it tends to be my favorite weekend of the year.

but.

the build up?  it's been less than perfect.

and that has me nervous.

we've had nothing but coldwindyrainysnowy weather for ages.  it's  made for some less than pleasant outdoor training.  and forced more indoor training than i'd like.

life has interfered, more than i would have liked, in sad and upsetting ways, leading to late workouts, sleepless nights, and other unhappy side effects. 

 when i think about my speedwork, speed needs air quotes.  because there really hasn't been any.  speed, that is.  and i'm not sure why.  i've been working as hard as i can  (really.  i'm not one to do something half way, you know?).  it's just that it doesn't seem to be working.  is it the coldwindyrainysnowy weather we've been having?  it is my knees?  is is my knees reacting to the coldwindyrainysnowy weather we've been having? 

am i just getting old?

who knows.

but.

the thing is, i'm still excited. 

more excited than nervous.

there is a hotel room waiting, an expo to wander, a big dinner to eat, bricks to kiss.

there is fun and smiles and happy waiting for me.

and in the end it all comes down to one simple, joy-filled thing.

slow or fast, ready or not,

i'm going running.


stride on.

boston

i wasn't in boston today.  i wasn't anywhere near boston today.

i was sitting at a reading conference, with my phone in my lap,  covertly watching the progress of the boston marathon, silently cheering for the runners.

and then.

my heart hurt.

i have been there.  in that exact spot.  hubby and best friend where right there waiting for me.

best friend just sent me a text saying that if our year had been this year, we would have been right there.  that gave me chills. 

the thing is, we're runners.  violence is not within our scope of reality.  it has no place in our sport. 

our sport is open to everyone, regardless of gender, age, race, religion or any other limiting factor.  it is the only sport where the professionals and amateurs all compete together at the same time on the same course.  if one runner is hurt, other runners will stop to help them, even though it will "hurt" their own race performance.  it's the only sport where spectators don't pay to watch and will be there for hours and hours in all kinds of weather with nowhere to sit or go to the bathroom.  strangers cheer for strangers.

our sport is one of joy.

our sport is a celebration. 

of life.  of health.  of triumph over adversity. of human spirit.

and it will remain so.  of that i am certain.

stride on.

friends

i have friends.

really.  i do.

i don't necessarily see them very often, especially when i'm working.  but i have them.  and i love them.

but i don't have a group of friends.

like, a cohesive group of friends.  who all have something that binds them together, like work or kids or running or macrame.  who all hang out together.  who all go and do things together.

i don't have a group like that.

i have friends.  and my friends all have groups of friends.  and i sometimes do things with my friends.  and they tell me stories about things they did with their groups of friends.  but i'm not actually a part of any of my friends' groups of friends.  (maybe i should make a flow chart?)

i'm kind of a loner.

and usually i'm good with that.  i guess it sort of fits my solitary nature; my shyness.

(i mean, usually when i find myself in a large group of people, i'm the one who's not talking; who's trying to blend into the wall or the pavement or whatever is nearby.)

except sometimes i think i might be missing out.  sometimes i wonder if it maybe bothers me a little, this not having a group of friends.

and sometimes i wonder if it's possible for me to find a group of friends, or join a group of friends.

then i realize that i have no idea how to do such a thing.  and that i'd probably have to go back in time, and maybe change everything about me, in order to have a group of friends today.

and it seems pretty unlikely that such a thing is going to happen.

so.

i guess i'll continue to do things with my individual friends sometimes, and be grateful to have them in my life.

and sometimes, just sometimes, i'll wonder what that group thing would be like.