Round and round and round we go. Except I've got to stop now.

So, I know this is a vicious circle.

I have digestive issues. They are made worse by stress. And certain foods. Like, um, sugar.

And when I'm under lots of stress, like, um, now, what do I do?

Yep.

Eat sugar.

And not just one cookies or anything innocent like that. I eat sugar, in its many varied forms, like they're going to quit making it so I'd better eat as much as I can right now because I might never be able to have it again. (Which is a joke, because I'll have more in about an hour when the next stupidly stressful thing happens.)

So then I'm just a mess. I'm already stressed, and the digestive issues are flaring up because of that. And then I eat the sugar, which makes the digestive issues worse, which increases my stress, and you see how the cycle works. And I'm a mess because I made myself a mess. Because no one made me eat that sugar. I did it all by myself.

But, at the same time, it feels kind of uncontrollable. You know? Like it's some weird primal urge that must be satisfied.

And I don't buy it. Sugar that is. When I'm grocery shopping, I don't buy cookies or ice cream or candy or stuff like that. But somehow when the stress hits, I manage to find a sugar fix. (Okay, so it's usually by driving or walking to some kind of store and buying chocolate/ice cream/cookies. Or walking down to Work Friend's classroom and eating her chocolate. But still.)

How does this happen? Why do I let it? How do I make it stop?

Yes, technically I know the answers to those questions. This happens due to stress, and I've always been a big stress ball, like, my whole life. And I let the sugar thing happen because, um, I'm weak and think that the sugar will make it all better (even though I know that really it won't). And I stop by,um, not doing it anymore.

But it's so hard to not! I'm stressed! I need something to make it better!

If I was one of those people who could go for a run on their lunch hour, I don't think I'd have this problem. But I'm not. I don't have that kind of time.

But... I do have time for a walk. So that's what I'm going to try. Because the next three weeks? Oh, they will make the stress of the last month seem like sunshine and rainbows.

So I'm hoping that grabbing my ipod and walking out of work and down the sidewalk and breathing in some fresh air in the middle of the day will be the cure all that I need it to be.

Because, sugar, I love you. But, for awhile at least, we're on a break.

(Ohmygosh how can I break up with sugar right when I need it most! Oh, this could get interesting....)

You Capture - Yellow

"Your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones

turn in to something beautiful.

D'you know? You know I love you so.

You know I love you so."

- Yellow by Coldplay

********

see more at Beth's

10 reasons I love...

10 Reasons I Love Hubby (which is by no means the only 10. Just 10 of the many.)

1. To him, making macaroni and cheese out of a box is an art form.

2. He has a man crush on Sting (and has accepted the fact that I describe it that way to everyone).

3. He writes poems for me and emails them to me at work.

4. He looks really good in a gray t-shirt and jeans. Really good.

5. He does the dishes after I cook dinner. Every single time.

6. He carried me to the garage because there was a snake in the yard.

7. He cleans the bathroom every week. ( I think he actually likes it.)

8. He misread his electric beard trimmer and accidentally shaved off most of his eyebrows then took it like a man when I laughed at him for 5 minutes straight.

9. He's okay with the fact that I'm not actually listening to him when he starts talking about time signatures.

10. He's an old-school gentleman.

*******

10 Reason Why I Love Best Friend (that only she will understand)

1. They neva give you a chance!

2. beans and spuds

3. pre-race cards

4. She made me learn how to read a map to avoid being killed (by her for my lack of map-reading skills).

5. fancy pants

6. wacky hat

7. Yak's on sale.

8. Pivot!

9. She understands why it's good to eat butter. And lots of it.

10. "I love a rainy night. I love a rainy night."
"Eddie Rabbit."
"Thank you!"
Click.

***********
tell it to me tuesdays

the post race post

So, the Big Race was yesterday. These are my thoughts about it today.

Last April I was told to quit running long distances. Because of my knees; they can't handle it anymore. And last May I went (one week after this decree) and ran the Big Race. And then did not run a step for a month because of the Great Knee Rebellion of 2009. The rebellion where I could not bend or straighten my leg, or put weight on it, and my knee was the size of a cantaloupe. For about a month. And I was sad and weepy. And then I spend the rest of 2009 learning how to run again.

This year, I'm still supposed to not be running long distances. And this year I know what happens when I try to run like I used to run. And this year I re-learned how to run. And now I'm learning how to train again. And so, I went and ran the Big Race.

I knew what I was getting in to. I knew what could potentially happen. I trained and mentally prepared to run a slow race, and to back off if anything (a.k.a knee) started to hurt or do weird things. The spoken goal was just simply to run. (There were unspoken goals, too. There always are.)

Maybe it was the freakishly cold and windy weather. Maybe is was the fact that, as I crossed over the starting line, Bono's voice rang out over the PA system (Desiiiiiiiiiiiire!) (And I am so not making that up). Maybe it's that Erin was sending me good vibes. I don't know. But it was something.

I ran. I kept the pace comfortable. I backed off when it hurt or got weird (which was only twice and very, very, very briefly). I blew kisses to The Bricks (because if I'd gotten down to kiss them, I would not have gotten back up again). I looked around and saw 30,000 other runners of all shapes, sizes and paces, smiling and laughing and running.

I finished 10 minutes slower than last year (which was already slower than I cared for). But when I finished, I was walking (mostly) normally. I was happy. I was smiling. I was proud.

Today, my knee is functioning relatively well. It's the size of a relatively normal knee. I still ache and creak, but I'm not going to be incapacitated for a month. I'll be running again by mid-week.

Because that's what I do. For the fun and the challenge and the peace and the blessing and the joy. And for me.

I run.

(stride on!)

here I go again (just like whitesnake)

Tonight I'm packing my bags. I have a list of things to not forget to pack. Things like ibuprofen, Vaseline, and a knee brace.

Big Race weekend is here.

There's a whole mess of emotions filling me today. And I can't stop thinking; can't stop jumping from one extreme to the other. Like, my training has gone well, but this week has been a disaster. Or, I'm so sad that I can't race this, but I'm so happy to be running. I keep flip-flopping back and forth.

Part of my big, huge mental block about all of this probably lies in my deep seeded feeling of inadequacy. I've always tended to think (worry? fear?) that people will look at me and say "she's not good enough to be here." Or now, "she used to be good." And I feel this awful, compelling need to explain my life history; why I'm here, why I'm not so good anymore. Even though I'm pretty sure the reality of it all is that no one notices/cares what I'm doing (and I mean that in a good way).

So I'm working on not caring about them, either (and I mean that in a good way, too). Because I've spent far too long caring far too much.

Instead, I'm working to focus on the important part (important to me, at least). For me, the days of the "preferred start corral" are over. That's just how it is. Regardless of how willing my mind is, there are now physical limitations on what I can do. If I try to do more, it will cause me harm. I know this.

But I can run. That is the important part.

And this weekend, I get to run a Big Race. I get to kiss some bricks (The Bricks!).

I think, maybe, I've proven what I can do. Now this is what I get to do.

Indy, here I come.

You Capture - Spring (part 2)

Every spring, every May, every time I smile at the thought of "tranquil bovine picnics" and I cry when Tuck takes Winnie out on to the pond to talk to her about why the spring needs to remain a secret.

And every spring, every May, every time a new group of children falls in love with the story of Winnie Foster and the Tuck family (who've looked exactly the same for the last 87 years).

See more at Beth's.

list time (in pictures)

1. I found the perfect hiking hat. Finally.



2. This leaf made me smile. Because it has a heart in it. Do you see it?

3. Coffee Friend got married last weekend. She was stunning. As always.

4. I actually spent time today doing this. Yes. There was a reason.

5. This face was cracking us up yesterday.

6. When you have the flu and Hubby brings in random flowers he found while mowing the grass, it does make you feel better.

7. Running Friend got engaged and asked me to take some engagement photos for her (and her fiance). I was honored to do so.

8. Vegan Success Story: Chai Latte Cupcakes