that's what they'll call us

the first mention came in october, in that cute little 6 year old niece voice.

 

"we bought you an owl!"

 

quickly followed by her mother's "you're not supposed to TELL her!"

 

which is how i found out that my lovely nieces (6 and 4) had talked their mom into buying me a stuffed owl for my birthday.

 

which is in december.

 

and from that point, every time i'd see these beautiful girls (once a week or more), they'd be sure to remind me that i had an owl coming to me.

 

one day, i stopped by to visit and precious little miss 4 was lovingly cradling the owl in her arms.

 

"this is your owl" with her sweet little grin.

 

i might have melted a little bit.

 

and when my birthday finally came around?

 

miss 6 marched up to me, huge smile on her face, and handed me a beautifully wrapped present.

 

"we got this for you!  it's a surprise!"

 

and guess what! 

 

it was an owl!

 

now she sits in a place of honor in my home.  (yes, i know she's a she.  her name is willie faye.  after my favorite character in "christmas after all."  i've put much thought into this owl.  how could i not?)

and i bought 2 more owls.  one for each niece.  for valentine's day.  or tomorrow, whatever.

after all they did such a lovely job caring for my owl, it only makes sense they should have owls of their own.

(plus, then we can be owl buddies.)

uncommonly good

up early-ish, but not because of an alarm, so that's okay. 

a cup of green tea, a pear, and some oatmeal.

stretching as the sun comes up.

out in the freezing cold to defy the elements for a little while.

hot, hot shower.

bundle up and out for coffee with hubby.

back home, he sits at the computer working on his next book and i sit on the couch to finish the book i'm reading.  and some hot cocoa.  and duke ellington in the background.

brownies in the oven.

comfort food for dinner.

a cup of tea and some more reading.

off to bed.

***********

no hurrying.  nothing that must be done.  no place that must be gone to.

days like this don't happen often.

but what a gift when they do.

words. or lack thereof.

they're floating around in my head.

words.  and words.  and words.

but they're stuck in my head.

and i can't figure out how to get them out.

there are things i want to say, to people i love and care about.

but i just can't get the words out.

i have emails i want and need to send.  thank yous to wonderful friends who sent wonderful gifts from far away.  and i want to tell them how much i love and appreciate and miss and love.

but forming the words into sentences, and the sentences into paragraphs, and the paragraphs into a letter....  i just can't seem to do it.

i sit down and stare at a blank screen.  and then i get up and find something else to do, hoping the words will find a way out as i do the something else.  but they don't.

there are people i would love to sit down and share a cup of tea with, and catch up on everything we've missed.  but the thought of having to talk about everything we've missed is exhausting to me.  i'd be happy to sip my tea and listen.  but talking?  i just can't seem to do it.

i've even gone so far as to become impatient and frustrated with people who want to talk to me, who want me to talk to them.  people i love, see often, everyday.

i'm not sure why this is.  why right now.

maybe i'm tired?  maybe i'm full of stress?  maybe i'm sad?  maybe it's the weather or the phases of the moon or lack of good green tea at the grocery?  maybe it's because other peoples' lives are far more interesting or the grass is always greener or it just seems that way?

or maybe this is just what is for right now.

maybe this is what is supposed to be right now.

and i think, if i just be patient, and silently send my love and gratitude out into the ether, and be patient some more, and give myself this time, it will all work itself out.

resolutions

i want to know how to knit.
and crochet.
and sew.

i want to have enough time to call the people i want to call.
and email the people i want to email.
and see the people i want to see.
and read the blogs i love to read.
and watch movies.
and read books.

i want to not center my life around my knees.
and my digestive system.
and have to get up at stupid early o'clock.

i want to figure out a way to earn money doing what i love to do.
and not have to keep doing something that isn't what it used to be because we need the money.

i want to continue to run.
and quit feeling any sort of need to be "competitive."
and not feel bad about not feeling a need to be "competitive."
and not feel like i'm letting people down because i'm not being "competitive."

i want my hair to grow long.

i want to win the lottery.
(but just a little one, not, like, the mega-gajillions one.)

i want to abandon the worst of my vices.

i want to travel.
further than the next town over.

i want to actually, really, truly figure out how to meditate.
and maybe find a teacher.

i want to do less bustling about.
and more staying at home.

i want to accept my imperfections.
and accept the constraints of time.

i want to bake cookies.

i want to step out of my comfort zone.
maybe.
a little bit.
nothing crazy, now.

i want to actually meet people i probably should have met long ago.

i want to drink tea.
and coffee.
and cocoa.
and not be hurried about it.

i want everyone to know that i mean well.

i want everything to be okay.

i want to be okay with the fact that few of these things will actually happen.