march. thank you.

 

january?  february?

 

they sucked.

 

really and truly.

 

i can't give a clear reason why.  i can't point to any one thing that made the past two months extra awful.  there really wasn't anything terribly different than other months.

 

perhaps it was the combined weight of a dozen other, smaller things from months past,  things that just can't seem to get sorted out, and they just built up and built up until the weight was crushing.

 

i don't know.

 

but that's just how it was. 

 

it was a struggle each day.  to get out of bed.  to make a path from one end of the day to the other.  to do anything that wasn't absolutely necessary.  to play nice.  to smile.  to run.  to be me.

 

hubby and i laughed out loud (in a sarcastic/bitter way) the day this showed up on the calendar.

 

 

 (we left it on the fridge.  as a reminder.)

it seemed almost fitting that i would end the month of february sicker than i've been in years.  kind of like one last "ha!"

then i turned the calendar page.

march.

i brushed off the cobwebs.  took out the hibiscus tea.  hung up a training plan.  registered for spring races.  hunted up the spring detox grocery list.  unpacked the bunnies.

i started to look for silver linings. 

i've gotten as far as "being hideously sick for a week gave me two days off work and allowed me to read two books and watch two movies."

it's a start.  and it's more than i've been able to muster in awhile.

because a page turned. 

and it's time (finally, thankfully) to march forward.

i wonder

when i was a kid....

my parents taught me to be polite, to say please and thank you, to respect my elders, to follow the rules, to listen to my teachers, to work hard, to do my best...

i wanted to do well in school...  i listened in class... i paid attention...  i did my homework...  i followed directions...  i didn't need to be told twice...

i didn't want to get in trouble...  but when i did find myself in trouble, my parents did something about it... they didn't make idle threats...  i knew that if they said it, they meant it, end of story....  i know this because one day i spent the whole day washing baseboards...

i only got spanked one time, because i never wanted that to happen again, not just because it hurt, but because i didn't want my parents to be upset with me....

i wanted my parents to trust me....  i wanted my parents to be proud of me....

i wanted my teachers to trust me...  i wanted my teachers to be proud of me...

i knew i had to earn trust...  i knew that i had to earn pretty much everything... 

i wanted to spend as much time as i could outside, moving, playing...

i wanted to create... from scratch... with paper and crayons and scissors and glue...

i wanted to write stories and turn my stories into books that were written by hand and had pictures i had drawn and were bound together with yarn...

i read books...

i wrote letters to pen pals...

i wanted to be kind to people...  all people... even people i didn't know...

and i wonder, i really wonder,  if there are any kids out there today who are like this at all?

that's what they'll call us

the first mention came in october, in that cute little 6 year old niece voice.

 

"we bought you an owl!"

 

quickly followed by her mother's "you're not supposed to TELL her!"

 

which is how i found out that my lovely nieces (6 and 4) had talked their mom into buying me a stuffed owl for my birthday.

 

which is in december.

 

and from that point, every time i'd see these beautiful girls (once a week or more), they'd be sure to remind me that i had an owl coming to me.

 

one day, i stopped by to visit and precious little miss 4 was lovingly cradling the owl in her arms.

 

"this is your owl" with her sweet little grin.

 

i might have melted a little bit.

 

and when my birthday finally came around?

 

miss 6 marched up to me, huge smile on her face, and handed me a beautifully wrapped present.

 

"we got this for you!  it's a surprise!"

 

and guess what! 

 

it was an owl!

 

now she sits in a place of honor in my home.  (yes, i know she's a she.  her name is willie faye.  after my favorite character in "christmas after all."  i've put much thought into this owl.  how could i not?)

and i bought 2 more owls.  one for each niece.  for valentine's day.  or tomorrow, whatever.

after all they did such a lovely job caring for my owl, it only makes sense they should have owls of their own.

(plus, then we can be owl buddies.)

uncommonly good

up early-ish, but not because of an alarm, so that's okay. 

a cup of green tea, a pear, and some oatmeal.

stretching as the sun comes up.

out in the freezing cold to defy the elements for a little while.

hot, hot shower.

bundle up and out for coffee with hubby.

back home, he sits at the computer working on his next book and i sit on the couch to finish the book i'm reading.  and some hot cocoa.  and duke ellington in the background.

brownies in the oven.

comfort food for dinner.

a cup of tea and some more reading.

off to bed.

***********

no hurrying.  nothing that must be done.  no place that must be gone to.

days like this don't happen often.

but what a gift when they do.

words. or lack thereof.

they're floating around in my head.

words.  and words.  and words.

but they're stuck in my head.

and i can't figure out how to get them out.

there are things i want to say, to people i love and care about.

but i just can't get the words out.

i have emails i want and need to send.  thank yous to wonderful friends who sent wonderful gifts from far away.  and i want to tell them how much i love and appreciate and miss and love.

but forming the words into sentences, and the sentences into paragraphs, and the paragraphs into a letter....  i just can't seem to do it.

i sit down and stare at a blank screen.  and then i get up and find something else to do, hoping the words will find a way out as i do the something else.  but they don't.

there are people i would love to sit down and share a cup of tea with, and catch up on everything we've missed.  but the thought of having to talk about everything we've missed is exhausting to me.  i'd be happy to sip my tea and listen.  but talking?  i just can't seem to do it.

i've even gone so far as to become impatient and frustrated with people who want to talk to me, who want me to talk to them.  people i love, see often, everyday.

i'm not sure why this is.  why right now.

maybe i'm tired?  maybe i'm full of stress?  maybe i'm sad?  maybe it's the weather or the phases of the moon or lack of good green tea at the grocery?  maybe it's because other peoples' lives are far more interesting or the grass is always greener or it just seems that way?

or maybe this is just what is for right now.

maybe this is what is supposed to be right now.

and i think, if i just be patient, and silently send my love and gratitude out into the ether, and be patient some more, and give myself this time, it will all work itself out.

resolutions

i want to know how to knit.
and crochet.
and sew.

i want to have enough time to call the people i want to call.
and email the people i want to email.
and see the people i want to see.
and read the blogs i love to read.
and watch movies.
and read books.

i want to not center my life around my knees.
and my digestive system.
and have to get up at stupid early o'clock.

i want to figure out a way to earn money doing what i love to do.
and not have to keep doing something that isn't what it used to be because we need the money.

i want to continue to run.
and quit feeling any sort of need to be "competitive."
and not feel bad about not feeling a need to be "competitive."
and not feel like i'm letting people down because i'm not being "competitive."

i want my hair to grow long.

i want to win the lottery.
(but just a little one, not, like, the mega-gajillions one.)

i want to abandon the worst of my vices.

i want to travel.
further than the next town over.

i want to actually, really, truly figure out how to meditate.
and maybe find a teacher.

i want to do less bustling about.
and more staying at home.

i want to accept my imperfections.
and accept the constraints of time.

i want to bake cookies.

i want to step out of my comfort zone.
maybe.
a little bit.
nothing crazy, now.

i want to actually meet people i probably should have met long ago.

i want to drink tea.
and coffee.
and cocoa.
and not be hurried about it.

i want everyone to know that i mean well.

i want everything to be okay.

i want to be okay with the fact that few of these things will actually happen.

aftermath

 

the tree still looks lovely, even on december 29.  but it's not the same, is it?

 



all of the anticipation is gone.  the gifts are open.  the gatherings are done.  the decorations that took a whole day to lovingly place in just the right spot take less than 30 minutes to pile onto the table, wrap up, and pack away. (this makes me inexplicably sad.)

the very last christmas cookie gets eaten.  peace on earth and goodwill toward men fades into the background of many peoples' minds.  things go "back to normal."

but i'm not a big fan of normal.  and i have a hard time when christmas magic disappears into the ether.  i have to baby-step my way out of the holidays.  the decor gets packed away well before the tree.  and then snowmen and snowflakes take the place of the santas and reindeer.  just to keep things festive a little bit longer.  as if maybe there could be such a thing as winter magic, too.

when i was small, i had a sesame street christmas record.  the record is long gone, but one song stays with me.  it advised listeners to "keep christmas with you, all through the year. when christmas is over, save some christmas cheer."  it's not too difficult right now, while some christmas spirit lingers.  but it can get pretty tough as the year moves on, the seasons change, and christmas becomes both a distant memory and not even a dot on the horizon.

but i try.  i stay on the look-out for the perfect christmas gifts, because you never know when you'll find them (and sometimes they show up in july).  i try to remember the "code of the elves."  i try to remember what's truly important, even though those things might only come to the forefront during the month of december.  and for those times i'll struggle and forget, i keep a few reminders around the house, all year long (even though they're really christmas decorations).

peace on earth.  good will toward men.  today.  and every day.