surfing. kind of.

I’ve been having a hard time expressing myself lately. Everything just takes so. much. effort.

I’m just so tired. All the time. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually. Tired.

I’ve dealt with depression, real depression, before, and I know this isn’t it. But it’s something. It’s tangible. It’s there. It’s here. Sadness? Discontent? Restlessness? Something.

Some of the reasons are obvious to me. But I know there have to be others, hidden away, that I can’t quite identify. Or maybe I can identify them, but I just can’t quite name them? Does that even make sense?

I’m not good company right now. To anyone. So I’ve been kind of locked away in this sort of self-imposed hermit state, sticking my head out of my hole only when I have to. Or for the occasional Starbucks run.

I’ve not attended a few functions recently. Functions I probably should have attended. But I just couldn’t do it. Just the thought of it made me sink to the floor in exhaustion. Having to get fixed up, and go sit with people, and make small talk, and smile, and make up an answer to the question “How are you doing?” Just the thought was more than I could handle. I actually thought of my absence as a community service. I didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s good time.

Recently Hubby and I planned to go to the orchard. We’d actually had it planned for a few weeks. But when the day came, life wasn’t going smoothly, and the morning took longer than it should have, and we were leaving later than we’d hoped… And as it got later and later, I started to get more and more frustrated, and Hubby said “If you’re not going to enjoy yourself, we might as well not go.” The reply that came out of my mouth before I could even think about what I was saying was “When was the last time I actually enjoyed myself?”

“That’s a good question,” was Hubby’s reply.

It’s a question I’m still pondering.

Because I really do want to enjoy myself. I want to be happy. Consistently happy. And I’m not. I have moments. And I can fake it, if I have to, for short periods of time. But I’m not really happy. Not right now.

I don’t feel like it’s impossible; like I’ll never be happy again.

It just seems really hard right now.

So I’m just kind of taking the fleeting moments that do come, and hunkering down between those moments.

Riding the waves, but hoping for the tide to turn.

(I've written this post before, haven't I? Sigh...)

(I'll be more upbeat next time. Really.)