I have created a very intricate labyrinth of rituals to get myself from one side of the day to the other. Steps that must be taken in a very specific, careful order or my world will tilt off balance, if not come crashing down. And I have been telling myself that this whole little dance is to my benefit, to keep me functional and "normal"and lots of other things.
But lately I'm not so sure.
Have I just crammed so much into the day that I've pushed out anything that can actually help to lighten it?
Things that once were fun and freeing are becoming one more thing I have to try and fit into an already over-crowded day. I seem to just be tired and sluggish and unhappy and anxious and all kinds of other not good things like that.
And then I had this thought - What if I stopped?
It came to me the other day, as I was crying because it was late, and I was tired, and I still had to about 12 different things before I was able to get into bed, and I was so filled up with stress and anxiety that by body was in huge amounts of pain in all kinds of odd places. Though my tears I said to Hubby "I just want to be like normal people. I just want to stop hurting. I just want to be able to go to bed."
And the thought came. What if that was what I did? What if I just went to bed?
I know there are some things that I really, truly do need to do, but...
What if I did the things that made me feel good, but not the things that make me feel less than good?
What if I shifted my focus to the things that actually, truly help me, lighten me, bring me some measure of peace or happiness or calm?
And if I didn't manage to fit every little thing into the day, I just let it go and went to bed?
These thoughts are revolutionary to me. And a little scary.
I want to believe that I can control everything, and that by controlling everything, I can make everything perfect. I can make me perfect. I can make life perfect.
But really, there is very little, if anything, that I can control. And nothing is ever perfect.
Including me. Especially me.
So why do I put so much energy into trying to make it so?
My answer has always been that I, in fact, can control it all and make it all perfect if I just work a little harder, do a little more, so I simply must make each step I take through my labyrinth day dance be as perfect as possible, so that I can be better, faster, thinner, happier, on, and on, and on.
But today..... I just keep asking why do I put so much energy into trying to make it all perfect?
Because it's not. And I'm not. And it's not going to be. And I'm not going to be. Ever.
But I believe I can be happier, calmer, more at peace.
I used to be.
I can be again.
If I can just let myself go.