Tuesday, September 25, 2012

the universe doesn't make mistakes

i really want to be more accepting.  of everything.  of circumstances.  of myself.
i've read countless books on zen.  read them cover to cover.  then became utterly frustrated and overly stressed out because i couldn't figure out how to apply everything covered in the book to my life immediately.
about a month ago, i bought a tiny little book called  zen and the art of happiness.  i loved that it was tiny.  i thought it looked a little more manageable. 
then i started reading it.


i got through the introductory information, and then about 30 pages in, i stopped reading.  closed the book and set it down.  because i thought it was asking waaaay too much of me.

it said that if i want to change the way i see the world, and the amount of happiness in my days, i need to fully accept that everything that happens is the best possible thing that could happen. 

yeah.  right.

so i quit.

and proceeded to have one really awful month full of crap.

but through it all,  i couldn't stop thinking about that one line.

everything that happens is the best possible thing that could happen.

i found i was repeating it to myself, over and over.  multiple times a day.  every time i'd get upset or frustrated or angry or anything at all.

everything that happens is the best possible thing that could happen.

i don't think i got frustrated less.  but i think i was frustrated for less time.

i can look back and see more spots of happy than there have been in awhile.

and then, this week became a tipping point.  months worth of planning and work sitting on top of a pin.  do plans stay the same?  or do they change?

they change.

they change.


everything that happens is the best possible thing that could happen.

so how can i be upset?

i can't.  and i'm not.  i'm actually


funny how that works.

(i think i may start reading that book again....)


Monday, September 17, 2012

a hypothetical destination

fall is coming.  i can feel it. 

birds are massing.  leaves are slowly starting to dry and tumble.  nights are getting cooler.  it was 46 degrees when i woke up this morning.

i took out sparkly plastic gourds and pumpkins today.  and i took the "last stage" asics out of the box.

a training cycle is coming to an end.  that's a sure sign of fall, too.

but this fall, this cycle, some hard decisions will have to be made.

really, i suppose, the decisions themselves are easy.  i know the answers.  i know what i need to do. i know what my body is telling me.  it's not the decision that will be hard.

it's the emotional fallout that will be hard.


i guess i'm not so sure just how i feel.  i expected to be devastated. i've known since the beginning, way back in june, that there was every likelihood that plans would have to change right at the end. and i figured that if that were to happen, i would be crushed.

but now that i'm facing the moment of truth, i'm not feeling so devastated.  or crushed.  or even sad, really.

i'm not quite sure what to call it.  i'll have to think on that.

i just know that right now i have to listen to what my body is telling me.  i have to know what it can handle at this point in time.

i am not young anymore.  what was easy at 20 (or even 30) is not so easy at 37.  i can't possibly count all the miles on me.  and i can't possibly count all the miles i have yet to cover. (i'm only 37 after all.)

so i have no desire to push for something that is probably unrealistic right now.  it might not always be unrealistic, but right now... probably.

i'd really rather change my plans and be able to enjoy doing what i love so much, not dig in my heels and be in pain and misery doing what i love so much.

i guess what i'm feeling is happy.

because it's fall.  and a training cycle is coming to an end. and new running shoes are out of the box.  and however plans shift or change, the end result is me doing something i love.

(stride on)

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Monday, September 10, 2012

can't you see what love has done

i have this fascination with holes in the clouds.

those moments when, on a cloudy day, a break in the clouds appears, and the sunlight streams through, and you can see the sky behind it all.

that fascinates me.  i think it's beautiful.

it happened a lot this weekend. (it was the first weekend with fall clouds.)

it makes me feel like the ones i've lost, who have left this existence for another one, are sort of peeking out of a window at me - looking down on me, checking in on me, making sure i'm okay.

it makes me wonder.  and smile.  and wave.

just in case.

love left a window in the skies
and to love i rhapsodize.

                                 - U2

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Monday, September 3, 2012

good to the last drop

i decided to like coffee.  i've always loved the aroma of coffee, but the taste?  not so much.  but i read that the caffeine in coffee helps protect against something, although i can't quite remember what.  but it was enough to make me decide to like coffee.
at first i thought maybe it would help me feel more sophisticated or more hip or more something that i'm not, walking around with a cup of coffee.
and then this week happened. 
and people were unnecessarily, unexplainably mean.
and people unnecessarily, unexplainably wanted to make others feel inferior.
and my last test race before my fall goal race was so much worse than i ever could have predicted.
and really, all of these things should have made me cry.  probably sob.
but instead they made me think.
this is my life.  those moments happen, and then they go.  and they are far outweighed and outnumbered by moments like these....


and that?  that was just one morning of one day of one week of one month of one year. 

i'm getting older.  pieces of me hurt, and become hurt more easily.

so i'll readjust, and replan, and rest, and heal.

it will be fine. i will be fine.

the hammer of judgement falls swift and hard around me.  and that's fine, if that's what the hammer droppers need to do. 

drop away.  say what you will.

i'm not listening.  because i don't need to be more sophisticated, or hip, or more anything else.

i'm just going to finish my cup of coffee (or my mocha latte.  whatever.).  because it's still half full.

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