Saturday, August 28, 2010
A new schedule has been established. Every single minute of each week day is planned. And it's pretty much a sprint from the time the alarm goes off (3:40 am) until I lay back down in bed in the evening (hypothetically 8:00, but that hasn't happened yet).
(And, let's face it, the weekend is just when the house has to be cleaned and the laundry has to be done and the errands have to be run because there isn't a spare second for it during the week.)
I hate the schedule. I don't want the schedule. My body is having a very, very difficult time adjusting to the schedule.
The schedule is a necessary evil.
I don't think I would mind nearly so much if there was something in the middle that made me feel full.
But there kind of isn't.
Yesterday at one of my favorite cafes, the owner said to me "we'll open up our own bakery cafe together." I so wanted her to not be joking.
I miss feeling good. I miss being happy. You know, like, consistently. Like, for longer than it takes to eat a brownie.
In the mean time....
I'm drinking tea. I'm trying to not self-medicate with sugar. I might have cried myself to sleep once or twice.
I'm breathing in. I'm breathing out.
And the dust will settle.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I didn't think it would. Never actually expected it. But it happened.
And, for now, there is nothing to be done about it.
For now, I must do everything in my power to accept it for what it is. Do everything in my power to let go of frustration. Hope that frustration will let go of me.
All the time hoping for the day what is becomes what was.
tell it to me tuesday
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
It was quiet. The only sounds around me were the whisper of the breeze and the steady crash of the waves hitting the shore. And the occasional call of a sea gull.
The group of gulls near to me took to the air not long after I set out my blanket. Some flew far away, some just out to the water, where they landed and let the waves carry them where they would.
I let my eyes close.
When my eyes opened again, the sun was so bright, the water so blue,, the sand so clear, I almost couldn't bear to look at them. But I did look. Because it was beautiful.
It was all beautiful.
And I rolled up my blanket and walked back down the beach toward home.
tell it to me tuesdays
Monday, August 16, 2010
I am not doing any of that.
I keep staring out the window and thinking about that Sting concert last month.
There was a song that made me cry. It's not unheard of for me to cry at concerts. I routinely cry when seeing U2 or REM. But in the eight times I've seen Sting (Hubby's man crush, remember...), I've never even come close to shedding a tear.
But this time? Tears. Lots of them. All due to one line in one song. I've heard the song many times. It's a song I love. But this time, it seemed more.
Just one line.
"I loved you in my fashion."
Two thoughts, one far more important than the other.
I loved you.
In my fashion.
It might not be what you expect. It might not be what you need. It might not be how you need.
But it is.
And I just started crying.
Something in me shifted. Some level of acceptance arrived.
It probably would have helped for that shift to happen sooner. But I guess life happens as it should, when it should. I suppose things have a way of happening when you are ready for them. Or maybe it's when you need them. Perhaps both.
"I loved you in my fashion."
I say it to myself a lot now. Just as a reminder.
It might not be what I expected, but it is love.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
I want to have a center.
I want to have a peaceful mind.
But I don't, really.
My mind goes non-stop. All the time. Twenty-four/seven. Thinking about everything, all at the same time. Thinking about today, tomorrow, and yesterday. Thinking about things I should change, things I can't change, things that won't change. Thinking about things that happened long ago, things that I should have done or said. Thinking about things that haven't happened, how I might or should handle them, if they actually happen at all.
I really want my mind to rest. It doesn't need to do this. It's tiring. It's draining. It makes me upset and angry and frustrated and worried. It's pointless.
And I want to be calm.
I want to be centered.
I want to be peaceful.
In college I was kind of overextending myself. (That's an understatement, okay?) I needed something to counter that. And I was led to yoga. Which led me to start looking in to Eastern philosophy and religion. Which led me to start practicing meditation. But it was always kind of a surface thing. I never dug in too deep. I wasn't sure how.
But then I hit another "rough patch" in life, I decided that the exact "how" maybe wasn't as important as the "do." So, I did. I read a lot, studied a lot, practiced a lot. And it helped.
I've had a devoted yoga and meditation practice for some time. Lately, I've been reading some Hindu scripture (you know, for fun). And it all feels right. It all feels good. It all feels like home. (Even if I'm still not sure I'm doing everything right.)
There are moments. Moments where it all clicks. Sometimes those moments last for awhile. Sometimes I blink and they're gone. But I do see it. I do feel it. And it feels good. It feels like home.
But my mind, it still goes and goes. Maybe it's slowed a little. But it still goes. Even with all my practice and reading and trying. And I think that, now, I need more "how."
I've come to realize that I'd like a teacher. I want more concrete information, more guidance, than I can get from reading a book (or many books) and just kind of doing it. I'm just not sure how to go about that. After all, I'm in the middle of the Midwestern United States. It's not like I can just stop at the local Hindu temple and ask for help. There is no local Hindu temple. (If it's even a Hindu temple I'm looking for. I'm not even really sure I'm comfortable claiming a specific "religion.") So I kind of feel a little lost about that. But I'll keep looking, keep my eyes open, and I trust it will work out as it's supposed to.
(Of course, with the Eat, Pray, Love movie coming out, and Julia Roberts recently saying she's converted to Hinduism, there will probably be a big "Hindu fad" happening soon. Maybe a Guru will just show up at my door. Stranger things have happened. I just can't think of them at this moment.)
But. For now. I will keep practicing. Keep doing what I do. Reading. Yoga. Meditation. Prayer.
Do my best to live in love, and in peace, to accept, to find joy, to relax, to let go.
Because I want to be Calm.
I want to be Center.
I want to be Peace.
tell it to me tuesday
Sunday, August 8, 2010
As part of that, at the start of the summer, we signed up to be part of a local organic farm co-op. It really sounded like a good idea. Fresh, organic, locally grown vegetables every week (and fruit every other week). After all, the bulk of what we spend on groceries is on produce. This seemed like a good way to practice what we preach and save some money. Win/win, right?
The produce we've received in the last month and a half has been totally fresh, totally yummy, and not really a lot of stuff we eat. Really, there's only so much squash I can eat, and really none that Hubby will eat. And we've gotten lots and lots and lots of squash. And really, there's only so many radishes that Hubby can eat, and really none that I will eat. And we've gotten lots of radishes. I gave Mom lots of zucchini, which she said she'd turn in to zucchini bread. My nieces eat all the tomatoes (I like everything made from tomatoes, but the actual tomatoes taste like dirt. I don't like how dirt tastes.).
And then there's this:
What is this? Seriously, what is this? Because it looks like one of those things you set on a table or in a bowl (with lots of other similar looking things that you know are supposed to be food but wouldn't know how to eat if you had to) as a Thanksgiving decoration. I have no idea what to do with it. And Google has been no help. What do I even Google? Weird thing that I think is a vegetable but am positive is a Thanksgiving decoration?
I did have to Google sorrel this week. We got some. I didn't know what it was or what to do with it. And it turns out that sorrel is poisonous if eaten in large amounts. I think we'll eat sorrel in no amounts.
Any way, our hopes are high that as the fall arrives, we'll start seeing some more user-friendly vegetables. Or at least easily identifiable vegetables.
And while our intentions were the best, and I so love the theory, we'll have to wait and see if we join this co-op again next year.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Of course it will.
Laying on the acupuncture table I may have fallen asleep. I know my eyes were closed. I might have been awake. I'm not sure. I saw a small point of blue. And it kept getting bigger, kept filling more of the space behind my eyelids. I don't know what it was. I don't know why it was. It's never been there before. But I know it was good. It was, somehow, a comfort.
Maybe even sensational.
tell it to me tuesday
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Run a marathon.
No, wait. It gets better.
Run a marathon on October 10, 2010. 10-10-10.
Run a trail marathon in a national park on 10-10-10.
And I know I've only been running three days a week, but...
Three days a week got me ready for 13.1 miles this past May. Thirteen point one miles, after I was told my medical professionals that I wouldn't be running that far anymore. And it was good! It was fine! I ran. I remained fully mobile. Nothing swelled to the size of a watermellon. I proved those medical people wrong. Totally.
With that success behind me, I figured that three days a week would do just fine to get me ready for 26.2 miles, too. So I made a plan. A training plan. A secret plan. It involved extra hiking, extra biking, and three runs a week - the trail run, the medium-ish distance run, and the all-important long run. I thought I'd start at 10 miles, then add one mile each week, completing just one 20 mile run during training.
This was a good plan. It wouldn't help me break any land speed records, but it would get me to the finish line. And that was the goal.
June was great. I was running good, running strong. There were some days in there that felt almost like "the old days."
Then came July.
July was hard. July involved pain and limping and being told on multiple occasions by multiple people that they saw me running and "it didn't look good."
July made me cry.
Last week, I got back from the medium-ish distance run thinking something was a bit off. The next day, I got half mile into what was supposed to be a 15 mile run and stopped. Because my knee hurt. Not the left knee, not the one with the history of "issues." It was the right knee. The "good" knee. It hurt bad enough to make me stop. It hurt bad enough to make me turn around and walk back home, just a little bit teary (but refusing to cry).
Appoinments were already made with the New Chiropractor, and holy cow, did he put me through some paces. In a good way. For four days in a row. And I told him I had a 10k trail race planned for the weekend. I was all registered and everything. And he said I should be fine if I took it easy and got my knee on ice immediately afterward.
So I went. And I ran. Kind of.
I ran the longest 10k in the history of me. I had to walk a few times. Because it hurt.
And afterward, I got a talking to from UB (who takes me to all my races and supports me every step of the way) about making some changes. Like not running. He suspected that soon things besides my knees would start giving me trouble, if they weren't already. (They are.) He suggested bicycle racing. (Ohmygosh I don't like riding the bike.) He said a lot. And it was all true. And it was so much (too much) to think about. And I wanted to cry. But I didn't.
So I think my marathon plan is in ruins. And I feel more than a little lost about what to do now. And I'm standing at the drawing board, but it's just a big empty space.