I want to have a calm mind.
I want to have a center.
I want to have a peaceful mind.
But I don't, really.
My mind goes non-stop. All the time. Twenty-four/seven. Thinking about everything, all at the same time. Thinking about today, tomorrow, and yesterday. Thinking about things I should change, things I can't change, things that won't change. Thinking about things that happened long ago, things that I should have done or said. Thinking about things that haven't happened, how I might or should handle them, if they actually happen at all.
I really want my mind to rest. It doesn't need to do this. It's tiring. It's draining. It makes me upset and angry and frustrated and worried. It's pointless.
And I want to be calm.
I want to be centered.
I want to be peaceful.
In college I was kind of overextending myself. (That's an understatement, okay?) I needed something to counter that. And I was led to yoga. Which led me to start looking in to Eastern philosophy and religion. Which led me to start practicing meditation. But it was always kind of a surface thing. I never dug in too deep. I wasn't sure how.
But then I hit another "rough patch" in life, I decided that the exact "how" maybe wasn't as important as the "do." So, I did. I read a lot, studied a lot, practiced a lot. And it helped.
I've had a devoted yoga and meditation practice for some time. Lately, I've been reading some Hindu scripture (you know, for fun). And it all feels right. It all feels good. It all feels like home. (Even if I'm still not sure I'm doing everything right.)
There are moments. Moments where it all clicks. Sometimes those moments last for awhile. Sometimes I blink and they're gone. But I do see it. I do feel it. And it feels good. It feels like home.
But my mind, it still goes and goes. Maybe it's slowed a little. But it still goes. Even with all my practice and reading and trying. And I think that, now, I need more "how."
I've come to realize that I'd like a teacher. I want more concrete information, more guidance, than I can get from reading a book (or many books) and just kind of doing it. I'm just not sure how to go about that. After all, I'm in the middle of the Midwestern United States. It's not like I can just stop at the local Hindu temple and ask for help. There is no local Hindu temple. (If it's even a Hindu temple I'm looking for. I'm not even really sure I'm comfortable claiming a specific "religion.") So I kind of feel a little lost about that. But I'll keep looking, keep my eyes open, and I trust it will work out as it's supposed to.
(Of course, with the Eat, Pray, Love movie coming out, and Julia Roberts recently saying she's converted to Hinduism, there will probably be a big "Hindu fad" happening soon. Maybe a Guru will just show up at my door. Stranger things have happened. I just can't think of them at this moment.)
But. For now. I will keep practicing. Keep doing what I do. Reading. Yoga. Meditation. Prayer.
Do my best to live in love, and in peace, to accept, to find joy, to relax, to let go.
Because I want to be Calm.
I want to be Center.
I want to be Peace.
tell it to me tuesday