Sunday, May 31, 2009


So, have you ever been so tired that you fell asleep at work? Because I'm pretty sure I did that last week. I know I fell asleep for a few minutes during lunch on Friday, which was fine since I was all by myself and sitting in a chair by the computer all hidden away from life and I only slept for a few minutes and wasn't late for anything. But I'm pretty sure I may have dozed off during silent reading. You know, in front of children. I know I did the falling asleep head bob thing. I may have actually been asleep. But I hope not.

The point is I AM SO TIRED!!!!!! I can't remember the last time I didn't have to set an alarm to get up too early. I can't remember the last time I was in bed at a decent hour. I can't remember the last time that there wasn't something that I had to do after work/into the evening, and then on the weekend (even when it's stuff I WANT to do, it's still more stuff to do, you know?). My house looks like a bomb blew up in it because I haven't had two seconds to even pick up the clutter. I had laundry sitting on the spare bed for over a week because there just wasn't time to put it away. (What do people with children do?!?)

But if I can make it through the next six days, I will have some time to try and recuperate a little bit. Summer break is just around the corner....

I'm going to stop now. Because I'm too tired to type anymore.


So, I'm a little behind. Mommy Boo "tagged" me to be awesome, and I just figured that out today. So...... Seven reasons I'm awesome:

1. I bake cookies.
2. I drink hot cocoa even when it's hot out.
3. I read lots of books.
4. I don't eat animals.
5. I go for after dinner walks.
6. This week I had half a bag of trash and 5 full bins of recycling.
7. I have a large stuffed sheep as part of my living room decor.

Monday, May 25, 2009

On the road again

So, a million things happened this weekend. Some lovely, some not so much so. But here's the really cool thing. I ran two whole miles! It was the first time I've run a step in four weeks. And it was all good. I had to force myself to stop. (A little creaky later in the day, but nothing too drastic or unmanageable.) I'm sure the people driving by thought I was an idiot, running down the road with a big, stupid grin on my face. But, IT FELT SOOOOOO GOOD TO RUN!!! You have NO IDEA! Sigh.....

Thursday, May 21, 2009


I’ve turned in to a filter-feeder, eating everything that’s not nailed down or meat. Preferably things made with chocolate. Or at least sugar. (You know, like right now, I’m inhaling the granola bar that serves as a little chaser for the poppyseed muffin I swallowed without chewing. Because I just finished off the M&Ms.) I’ve turned in to a blowfish, puffing up to three times my normal size (give or take). I seem to have turned in to an untapped natural resource, as my face has begun to produce enough oil to power multiple small vehicles (compact cars, tractors, golf carts, etc.) for several days worth of time. Odd places have started to hurt. (Back. Shoulders. Head. Neck. Ankles. Elbows. Bellybutton. Uterus.) I’ve become remarkably clumsy, losing fine motor skills I thought I’d mastered in kindergarten. And it is best not to speak to me, look at me, think of me, ask anything of me, or do anything at any time that I might possibly consider stupid, wrong, offensive, lazy, inappropriate, unkind….. Really it’s not good to do anything in my general presence (besides breathe, and even that’s a little chancy), or I will most likely strike you down with my piercing glare and sharp words, or whatever blunt object I can get my hands wrapped around. And, I'm eternally on the verge of tears; pretty much hating myself, along with everyone else, and am filled with depression, sadness, self-loathing and self-pity.

And my period hasn’t even started yet.

Do I really need, once a month, to become this enormous walking disaster area? No. I do not. But it happens anyway.

Good times….. Good times…..

Now go away.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


So, today I’m thinking about food. Food. Food. Food.

We have a love / hate relationship, food and I . But we’ve come a long way. I know my limits (although I sometimes choose to ignore them). I know what does and does not work for me (although I sometimes choose to ignore that). And sometimes food just decides to keep me on my toes and change the rules I thought I knew. But over all, we’re pretty good. (Most of the time.)

Today, I had lunch from one of my three favorite places. And they had my soup! So, I had a near perfect meal of carrot ginger soup and a tomato, pesto, provolone sandwich (Without the tomato of course…. Tomatoes are gross. They are slimy and taste like dirt. Unless they are made into something else, like sauce or ketchup. Then it’s good). The soup was just the right temperature (no blowing required), and the cheese on my sandwich was all melty and not yet congealed, and the pesto and sun-dried tomato mayo blended so nicely (Yes, sun-dried tomatoes are fine. They taste sweet. Not like dirt.). It was SO GOOD.

Last night I had dinner with Coffee Friend at Panera. They no longer have the Orchard Harvest Salad, so I had to try the Fuji Apple Chicken Salad (without the chicken or tomato). And YUM! There were dried apples in there, and the “mixed field greens” did not include spinach, so I didn’t have to go picking that out (I like spinach. It doesn't like me.). And the dressing had a sweetness to it, some kind of apple vinaigrette, but creamy. So good. Paired with the creamy tomato soup (Tomatoes have complex eating rules, okay….). Such a good dinner.

Then this weekend I’ll be eating at The Cheesecake Factory. Yea! On our rare trips there, Hubby and I split the Avocado Eggroll appetizer and the Macaroni and Cheese Ball appetizer (Have you tried those? Oh my! Real mac and cheese – not, like, Kraft – breaded and fried. Soooooo bad, but soooooo goooooood.), then get dessert (There is no sharing of the dessert. Hell no.). I switch between the Godiva chocolate cheesecake, which has layers of chocolate cheesecake, chocolate mouse, and some kind of solid fudge thing, and this dark chocolate cake that has multiple layers with thick, fudgy frosting and chocolate chips. Oh, the anticipation!

Last weekend, when we ate at another of my three favorite restaurants, one of the gelato choices was dark chocolate banana with peanut butter. It was like a convergence of all things good and true. The dark chocolate gelato had just a hint of banana flavor (Reminding me of these ice cream bars I used to get at the little league field when I was a kid. Not that I played little league. Just watched others do so.) with these huge honkin’ hunks of peanut butter mixed in. Dear God! I think I may have actually moaned a little bit. I was so sad when my dish was empty. And they don’t have free refills on that. I asked.

And at the other of my three favorite restaurants, the summer menu is out. Wow! Hubby and I are already plotting and planning to try and get there a few times this summer. There are multiple things I must try. Like the Sweet Potato Quesadillas or the Roasted Corn Polenta (Corn and me, we have a difficult relationship, but this sounds so good, I might have to risk it.) or the California Ruben. And since last time we were there I didn’t get to partake of a chocolate dessert, I must rectify that as well.

And there is a bag of dark chocolate M&Ms sitting over there (Sorted into just the green, brown, and yellow. Work Friend has the orange, red, and blue. Don’t ask.). And there’s a poppyseed muffin in the vicinity, too. I think one (or both) might be calling my name right now….

Sunday, May 17, 2009


So, I've been working like crazy to make some changes in my routine. And outlook on life.

On Friday, I saw the doctor for the first time since the "no running" diagnosis. He said he was surprised I was handling it so well. (Oh, what he doesn't know...). But really, I'm trying really hard to simply shift my focus. And it's working pretty well, at this point.

I did a little self-inventory; what do I want now, and how do I want to get there. And then I went and started to rearrange things and add things and subtract things to my life to get on that path.

It turns out, one of the main things I want and need right now is to feel physically strong. So I've revamped my routine to work toward that goal. And I'M LOVING IT!! I'm working myself hard, and (for right now, at least) it feels good. It feels right. And I need it.

I think that with the implosion of the knee and being told I was not able to run, it kind of felt like I'd lost control. These were not choices I had made for myself, and would not have made for myself. They were given to me. Obviously I can't control everything (much as I would like to), but I'm starting to feel some sense of control again. I have a plan. I have some goals set. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling optimistic.

It's a nice change.


So, just FYI, I was able to watch President Obama's commencement speech at Notre Dame this afternoon. And, um.... How awesome is he? He's the President of Awesome. That's how awesome he is.

I'm sure it will be up on youtube soon. Totally worth watching. He rocks.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


So, the President of the United States is the commencement speaker at Notre Dame University. And in South Bend, abortion protesters are out in full force. They have permits to put up posters of aborted fetuses and everything. I have issues with this. For a few key reasons.

1. Do you know how hard these kids have worked to reach this day?! They're graduating from The University of Notre Dame!! That is a whole lot of hard work coming to fruition right there. This is one of those key days in a life. And these protesters are going to try and make something that has absolutely nothing to do with them all about them. Really? You have nothing else to do with your lives than try to ruin the achievements of others by forcing your beliefs on them?

2. Um, get over yourselves! I find the whole "abortion debate" pointless. I simply do not understand how anyone can think that they have the right to tell anyone else what they can or cannot do with their own self. If it does not affect you personally, then it is none of your business. Period. If everyone would just take care of themselves - go about your own life, be what you consider to be a good person, make choices that are what you consider to be right - the world would be a much nicer place. So what if someone else that you do not know and will never meet makes a choice that you disagree with! Let them! It has nothing to do with you! It's not your job to rule the world! You are not the boss of anyone!

As a general rule, I don't like to force my beliefs on others. I believe in animal rights, but I'm not going to throw paint on you if you choose to wear fur. I may not like you, but that's okay. You have the right to make the choices you see fit for yourself. You aren't hurting me. And I believe in a woman's right to choose. That doesn't mean I, personally, would choose to have an abortion. But who am I to tell others that they can't just because I wouldn't? I also would never wear a tube top, but that doesn't give me the right to stop anyone else from wearing one. It is your God-given right to look as foolish as you want!

If I may quote the legendary Salt n' Pepa, "There's only one true judge and that's God. So chill and let my Father to His job."

Can I get an Amen.

Bruce is Fun

And this is what I did for fun last night......

Bruce Springsteen's set list:

Spirit In The Night (!!)
Outlaw Pete
She's The One (!!)
Working On A Dream
Johnny 99
The Ghost Of Tom Joad
Raise Your Hand
Trapped (!!)
Candy's Room
Mony Mony
Waiting On A Sunny Day
The Promised Land
The Wrestler
Kingdom Of Days
Radio Nowhere
Lonesome Day
The Rising
Born To Run
Hard Times
Jungleland (!!)
Land Of Hope And Dreams
American Land
Dancing In The Dark
Rosalita (!!)

I am SOOOOO GLAD that concert season is upon us! What a lovely, lovely kick-off.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


So, the confirmation email for the 10 mile race I'm registered to run next week came today. You know, that race that I can' t run. I emailed the race director with some questions, but haven't heard back yet. Not me talk about it.

And I've noticed that everybody and their brother has taken up running lately. I see them everywhere I go. Or everyone wants to tell me about all the people they know who are doing something related to running. This is not a help. Not me think about it.

I'm going to find some chocolate now. And then go do something really, really, really fun. Because I need to.

I'm dealing. Really. I am.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Forward Moving

So, today I’m not using crutches at all. I’m slow, but I’m moving. I was able to do my full yoga practice (not to the fullest, but still, all the poses, to some degree). With the help of yoga blocks, I was almost able to sit properly for meditation. I used the elliptical for the second day in a row; with a little speed, even. The old knee is still stiff, sore, and puffy. I still can't straighten my leg all the way. I’m still doing as much sitting as I can. But it’s better.

I credit Acupuncturist for this leap forward. Treatment on Wednesday did wonders. She reminded me about the sooji thing I can do to my fingers (the thing that hurts way more than someone sticking little needles all over your body). She put tacks in my ears (they’re still there, at least for a few more days). And the knee felt noticeably better after all that.

And last night I used the crazy detox foot pad things that Hubby ordered for me. I don’t actually understand it, but it sure did something. It was white when I stuck it to my foot before bed, and it was black and smelly and kind of oily when I took it off this morning. And I liked it. Really a lot. Unfortunately, they’re a little too pricey to get obsessed over. (Or maybe not unfortunately, because, really, I probably don’t need anything else to obsess over at this point. I kind of obsess over a lot.)

I guess it’s all a start. I do remember feeling good. I know what it’s like. Now I just have to head back there is all. (I think this is one of those things easier said than done.)

And I maybe have to come to terms with not ever being as thin or in as good of shape as I was last year. That took a hell of a lot of work and deprivation. I don’t think I actually have the time or the motivation to go that all out again.

I do actually know there is more to life than running. So, I can deal with being a little rounder (I think). I just really need to keep that in check, is all. And I usually do that with movement. I move a lot, and I can be a little less picky about what I eat because of it. And my movement has been particularly limited lately. And my eating hasn’t actually changed with that limitation (and the whole eating when I’m sad thing doesn’t help, either. Yes, I know I do it. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to not do it. Especially when I'm sad. See the little conundrum there?) And I’m me, so I'm sort of freaking out about it. I’m hoping that once movement returns, all will be well again.

If not, um….. It will.

PS – There is no way I’m going to not eat chocolate. Forty chocolate-less days a year is enough.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


I know what I said before. And I really, really appreciate all the nice things people said that made me sound like I'd done something good.

But I feel sad. Depressed. Blue. Low. Miserable. Unhappy. Sluggish. Expanding. Large.

I miss my life.

I want to go outside and run. Or something. Okay, run. But just walking would be an improvement at this point. Movement of any kind would be great.

I hate this. I can not handle sitting around. I feel awful. Inside and outside. And it doesn't seem to be doing much good. The thing is, I feel like I am just expanding. Growing larger by the second. Like Violet Beauregard. Except I'm not actually turning blue; just feeling blue. Big and blue. I'm pretty sure that just sitting on my bum all day long is only serving to make my bum bigger. And that makes me sadder. And guess what I do when I'm sad..... Yes! I eat! And not like, fruit. Um..... chocolate. Or muffins. Or cookies. Or ice cream. With chocolate. And this does not help the feeling of ever-expanding-ness that I already have from sitting around because my knee won't go back to being a knee.

Because my stupid knee is STILL swollen! After three days of sitting! I could move a tiny smidge more today than I could yesterday. And I should be celebrating that progress, I know. (I really do know. And I say thank you in my mediation each day) But I still can't even get through my normal yoga practice. I can't even sit properly for meditation. After three days of rest, ice, compression, and elevation, (stupid "rice") I should be able to AT LEAST spend some time on the elliptical (because I'm afraid to use my beautiful new bike at this point), right? But NO! Old Lefty is still abnormally puffy, resistant to straighten or bend fully, and making the most God-awful noises when I do try to move it. (Hence the bike fear) Not to mention the times that it just randomly decides to give out for a few seconds, causing me to oh-so-gracefully stagger around like a drunken fool looking for something to brace myself on so I don't fall over.

And this all makes me sad, depressed, blue, low, miserable..... Which sends me on a chocolate hunt. And that's not a very challenging hunt. And as I'm furiously unwrapping the Dove dark, I go back to the whole expansion thing..... Which makes me feel sluggish, expanding, large.....

Do you see the problem here? I do! But how do I fix it? Because I don't think the answer is "enjoy this time of rest" or "don't eat the chocolate" or "your butt's not bigger and your thighs aren't lumpier." (I've been offered those pearls already. And, yes, I appreciate the attempts at help and the concern. And, sure, they're good in theory, but, um.... not so much in practice) I'm pretty sure the answer is "get on the elliptical and play 'I'm a Kenyan!'"

Except that Lefty's not cooperating....... And the whole thing starts all over again.

I really, really miss my life. But I'm still really, really glad Hubby is here (He made sure there was a glass of water waiting for me in the bathroom - with foil over the top so nothing gets in it in the night - so that I don't have to walk to the kitchen through the dark house when I get up at 3:30 in the morning because then that's just less walking I'll have to do. He's super awesome.).

(PS - I'm sorry, Lefty. I didn't mean to call you stupid. You're wonderful and I miss you and all of the wonderful things we used to do together and if you'll just go back to the way you were, I promise I won't be so mean to you and make you do so much pounding and stuff. You're great. Please get better soon.)

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Post Big Race

So, there were a lot of really wonderful things about Big Race weekend.......

My new shirt:
Nuff said:

I'd been waiting to wear this... The front said "I bet she's tougher than that":

Anticipation on the starting line:

The spoils of victory. Or at least finishing:

The day was great. Good weather. I felt okay running. Took it easy. Saw the sights; like the cloggers doing their thing to "Rock Your Body" by the Backstreet Boys. (How often do you get to see that?) and something like 25 hot air balloons taking to the skies for the race. Kissed the bricks (for real... like on my hands and knees).

And now my knee is making me pay.

I'm staring out the window at the sunshine and wishing I was out in it doing something. Biking. Hiking. Walking. Anything. That was our plan for the day. But instead Hubby's doing everything under the sun around the house and going grocery shopping and probably making the bulk of dinner and not being able to do anything that he had planned for the day. And I'm sitting like a slug. I am not a slug sitter by nature. But I'll do the best I can with that, and be SO SO SO GRATEFUL to Hubby for all that he's doing to help me be the slug trying to get the swelling down and the usage up. (I hear him changing laundry now. God bless him.)

To quote my goddaughter: It's all right. We'll find it.

Really, I'm grateful. Because in the grand scheme of things, it's not that bad. Which doesn't mean I'm not upset and crying. But I do know it could be a lot worse. And, hopefully, it will be better soon. For now, I'm going to apply more ice.