Tuesday, May 5, 2009


I know what I said before. And I really, really appreciate all the nice things people said that made me sound like I'd done something good.

But I feel sad. Depressed. Blue. Low. Miserable. Unhappy. Sluggish. Expanding. Large.

I miss my life.

I want to go outside and run. Or something. Okay, run. But just walking would be an improvement at this point. Movement of any kind would be great.

I hate this. I can not handle sitting around. I feel awful. Inside and outside. And it doesn't seem to be doing much good. The thing is, I feel like I am just expanding. Growing larger by the second. Like Violet Beauregard. Except I'm not actually turning blue; just feeling blue. Big and blue. I'm pretty sure that just sitting on my bum all day long is only serving to make my bum bigger. And that makes me sadder. And guess what I do when I'm sad..... Yes! I eat! And not like, fruit. Um..... chocolate. Or muffins. Or cookies. Or ice cream. With chocolate. And this does not help the feeling of ever-expanding-ness that I already have from sitting around because my knee won't go back to being a knee.

Because my stupid knee is STILL swollen! After three days of sitting! I could move a tiny smidge more today than I could yesterday. And I should be celebrating that progress, I know. (I really do know. And I say thank you in my mediation each day) But I still can't even get through my normal yoga practice. I can't even sit properly for meditation. After three days of rest, ice, compression, and elevation, (stupid "rice") I should be able to AT LEAST spend some time on the elliptical (because I'm afraid to use my beautiful new bike at this point), right? But NO! Old Lefty is still abnormally puffy, resistant to straighten or bend fully, and making the most God-awful noises when I do try to move it. (Hence the bike fear) Not to mention the times that it just randomly decides to give out for a few seconds, causing me to oh-so-gracefully stagger around like a drunken fool looking for something to brace myself on so I don't fall over.

And this all makes me sad, depressed, blue, low, miserable..... Which sends me on a chocolate hunt. And that's not a very challenging hunt. And as I'm furiously unwrapping the Dove dark, I go back to the whole expansion thing..... Which makes me feel sluggish, expanding, large.....

Do you see the problem here? I do! But how do I fix it? Because I don't think the answer is "enjoy this time of rest" or "don't eat the chocolate" or "your butt's not bigger and your thighs aren't lumpier." (I've been offered those pearls already. And, yes, I appreciate the attempts at help and the concern. And, sure, they're good in theory, but, um.... not so much in practice) I'm pretty sure the answer is "get on the elliptical and play 'I'm a Kenyan!'"

Except that Lefty's not cooperating....... And the whole thing starts all over again.

I really, really miss my life. But I'm still really, really glad Hubby is here (He made sure there was a glass of water waiting for me in the bathroom - with foil over the top so nothing gets in it in the night - so that I don't have to walk to the kitchen through the dark house when I get up at 3:30 in the morning because then that's just less walking I'll have to do. He's super awesome.).

(PS - I'm sorry, Lefty. I didn't mean to call you stupid. You're wonderful and I miss you and all of the wonderful things we used to do together and if you'll just go back to the way you were, I promise I won't be so mean to you and make you do so much pounding and stuff. You're great. Please get better soon.)


Lyndsay said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel.

mommy boo of two said...

Are you going to be home tomorrow? Maybe the girls and I could come over and cheer you up. In the afternoon? I'll call you in the morning.

I know how it feels to miss your old life. And even though the new things (or in my case people) in your life aren't worth trading for the world, you still have your 'poor me' days where it's very easy to feel sorry for yourself.

Keep your chin up and continue to take care of your knee. And don't worry about the 'expansion' issues. The minute your knee is up for some biking and hiking those issues will subside and be a thing of the past.

Bacardi Mama said...

I won't ply you with platitudes. You know how I feel. Your knee deserves some rest and it will get better. It's just going to get better on Lefty's clock and not yours. I know it feels like your expanding by the minute, but I think you know you're really not. I felt the same way last week when I hurt my wrist and couldn't do half the stuff on my shred dvd. This is just a lesson in patience and let's face it, you're not very good at that when it comes to exercise. mommy promises that this to shall pass. I love you kiddo!

InTheFastLane said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. And it doesn't matter what people say, you feel that way anyway. I am sick today, and didn't get up to workout and feel fatter already. It is ridiculous and no amount of logic can make the feeling go away. I hope the knee gets better soon.

Sharon - Mom Generations said...

I think I'm seeing that thing we call a "vicious circle"... with the emphasis on "vicious" at the moment. But with all circles, there will be that 360 moment when you'll be running again. And yep, the words "rest" and "chocolate" may soothe some souls (well, MANY souls)... it's just that you're not looking for another reason to eat chocolate right now! I'm hoping for better days and a speedy recovery!

Anonymous said...

That last comment is certainly not what you needed. You will get there and I know it.