I can't remember a day where I looked at my reflection and was really satisfied (happy?) with the image staring back at me.
Because I am proportionally challenged.
See, my breasts are small. Like, small. Seriously. An "a" cup is too big. I need some type of couch cushion foam sewn into a bra cup to make it look like there's anything there. Because really, there isn't.
And that wouldn't be so bad if my top half matched my bottom half. But my bottom half is round. Like, round. Hips, bum, thighs, tummy. The whole round package.
So there is nothing on top and everything on the bottom.
And pretty much every day, to some degree, I dislike how I look because of my utter lack of proportionality. I feel so self-conscious on a daily basis. I feel very inadequate.
I know women come in all shapes and sizes, but I really don't see a lot of them out there that have a shape like me. And usually, I think they all - big, small, in-between - look a whole lot better than me. Because they're all balanced.
And, I have to say, I've spent lots of (okay, too much) time thinking about this. And I really don't think it's the small boobs that bother me. It's the lack of proportion. The "big bottom, tiny top." I often think I'd be happier with either the same boobs and a smaller bottom half, or the same bottom half and bigger boobs. At least then, with either of those options, I'd match.
I have tried (and tried) to accept myself just like this; told myself repeatedly that this is how God made me and all of that. That I'm a good person on the inside, and that's what really counts. But it just doesn't work. I have some good days in there, but over all, it just doesn't work.
My tiny bust and big bottom make me feel totally self-conscious, really not girly. Unpretty. And I'm starting to think there's nothing I can do about that.
Why do I bring this up today? I don't know. I guess I'm just complaining. I guess I feel extra self-conscious. I guess it's just one of those days.
I'll stop now. Because I know this is so silly and pointless and shallow. But sometimes, I just can't help it.