Sunday, August 21, 2011

balance beam

So, a new year starts this week. And I still find myself right in the same spot I was. Right in the spot that I almost desperately need to move from. But I'm still here. I haven't moved. I've tried. And tried. But... I'm still here.

I am a person of extremes. Meaning I go to the extreme in everything I do. I can get so angry that it lasts for days, so nervous I have panic attacks, so frustrated it causes me debilitating physical pain. My body has trouble processing certain foods? Then I will only eat the five things I know cause it no trouble at all. That sounds like an exaggeration, but it's not.

I have done myself no favors. Living in extremes has made a mess of me in more ways than I care to count, more ways than I care to admit (sometimes,usually, even to myself). And I know, I have known, that this must change, and that only I can change it. And I've tried. In my own extreme way. I've read the books and I do the yoga and the mediation and the acupuncture and the herbs and and and... And here I am, still struggling, still stuck, still here.

But I read this article on Friday. I know, right? After Thich Nhat Hanh, Buddhist scripture, Hindu scripture, countless books on Zen.... This article made an awful lot fall into place in my mind.

I have no balance. None. I run to the extremes without stopping, pausing, thinking, noticing, breathing... And that is why I'm stuck. I cannot move on, move past, go forward, until I can find some balance. It's hard to go forward when you keep running from side to side.

I know in my heart that all of the insane physical/emotional issues I've been dealing with for the past 4 or 5 years are all connected in a great big circle, and they just build on each other and feed on each other and keep circling around. And I just keep letting them.

Because I have no balance. I might have once upon a time, but I lost it a long time ago. So I'm stuck.

I have not learned (maybe I've even refused to learn) the lessons that this space in time is trying to teach me. And until I can learn them, I'm stuck.

And I think it might be about balance.

I think I need to {finally} find the Middle Way.

******

On my run this morning, I tried a different approach. I tried to stay in the moment.

I am running. The sun is shining. I am breathing fresh air.

Yeah, my mind wandered, and I'd start to think about things that have happened, or things that might happen. And I'd start to get angry, or nervous, or whatever. But I'd catch myself. And I'd go back.

I am running. The sun is shining. I am breathing fresh air.

It wasn't perfect.

It was a start.

And I feel like maybe I'm {finally} ready to learn.

*****

So, yeah.

Thanks, Flea.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

MAYBE I'M IN THE BLACK, MAYBE I'M ON MY KNEES
MAYBE I'M IN THE GAP BETWEEN THE TWO TRAPEZES
BUT MY HEART IS BEATING AND MY PULSES START CATHEDRALS IN MY HEART.

====R

Bacardi Mama said...

You are never too old to learn. I have great faith in you. You can do this. I love you too!

InTheFastLane said...

Balance is so hard. Balance in everything....and since not very many of us are professional gymnasts, more often than not we are busy wobbling from one side or the other. All of us. But, learning to get closer to the center....learning how to pull ourselves back in....learning to get back into the middle road when we fall off...finding those things that give us balance and peace and centeredness, that is all apart of our learning. And you are starting, by finding your center, your inner calm, your things that bring you peace and then getting back there again.

Lyndsay said...

"Yeah, my mind wandered, and I'd start to think about things that have happened, or things that might happen. And I'd start to get angry, or nervous, or whatever."

THIS! Yes... I hear you. And I'm trying too.

Kirsten said...

Balance. Happy medium. I strive for these always and succeed most days. But the days that I have difficulty finding that happy space are some of the worst days. I hope you learn to be in that place more naturally. And Flea pretty much rocks.

quicklikeabunny said...

I'm terrible about "living in the moment" - my mind is always multitasking. So for me the trick is to find the balance without losing the motion. It's possible and being aware is always a good place to start. Sending centering, peaceful, balancing thoughts your way.

Jade @ Tasting Grace said...

I love moments where things just *click!* like that. Where, even if you've heard it a million times before, somebody says it or you receive it in a way that's different, but that makes you just totally GET it.

Balance isn't easy. Good luck finding it!