Thursday, October 6, 2011

surfing. kind of.

I’ve been having a hard time expressing myself lately. Everything just takes so. much. effort.

I’m just so tired. All the time. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually. Tired.

I’ve dealt with depression, real depression, before, and I know this isn’t it. But it’s something. It’s tangible. It’s there. It’s here. Sadness? Discontent? Restlessness? Something.

Some of the reasons are obvious to me. But I know there have to be others, hidden away, that I can’t quite identify. Or maybe I can identify them, but I just can’t quite name them? Does that even make sense?

I’m not good company right now. To anyone. So I’ve been kind of locked away in this sort of self-imposed hermit state, sticking my head out of my hole only when I have to. Or for the occasional Starbucks run.

I’ve not attended a few functions recently. Functions I probably should have attended. But I just couldn’t do it. Just the thought of it made me sink to the floor in exhaustion. Having to get fixed up, and go sit with people, and make small talk, and smile, and make up an answer to the question “How are you doing?” Just the thought was more than I could handle. I actually thought of my absence as a community service. I didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s good time.

Recently Hubby and I planned to go to the orchard. We’d actually had it planned for a few weeks. But when the day came, life wasn’t going smoothly, and the morning took longer than it should have, and we were leaving later than we’d hoped… And as it got later and later, I started to get more and more frustrated, and Hubby said “If you’re not going to enjoy yourself, we might as well not go.” The reply that came out of my mouth before I could even think about what I was saying was “When was the last time I actually enjoyed myself?”

“That’s a good question,” was Hubby’s reply.

It’s a question I’m still pondering.

Because I really do want to enjoy myself. I want to be happy. Consistently happy. And I’m not. I have moments. And I can fake it, if I have to, for short periods of time. But I’m not really happy. Not right now.

I don’t feel like it’s impossible; like I’ll never be happy again.

It just seems really hard right now.

So I’m just kind of taking the fleeting moments that do come, and hunkering down between those moments.

Riding the waves, but hoping for the tide to turn.

(I've written this post before, haven't I? Sigh...)

(I'll be more upbeat next time. Really.)


InTheFastLane said...

Sometimes....I feel this...
I hope the tide turns for you soon.
And maybe...we need a run...or a coffee??

Jade @ Tasting Grace said...

Oh hon, I'm sorry you're not happy right now. It sounds like you really just need a break from it all. Too much weighing on you. Are there any burdens you can let go?

And are you doing what you love? Is what you do for a living something you still love? Do you love WHERE you're doing it? Maybe that's the source of some frustration.

If you could imagine your life differently, where it took a shape in which you WERE happy...what would it look like? Are you open to making any changes that might be necessary to making your life more happy?

I hope these questions don't sound judgmental because I swear I'm not judging. Just putting thoughts out there in case they help.

And don't feel pressure to be upbeat if that's not where you are. At least, certainly not here on your blog. Here you can be exactly as you are.

In the meantime...{{HUGS}}

~L said...

I also know depression. I also know this post. this month. My hubby knows the signs and the crescendo of my agitation.

I write to release and I shoot photos to widen my perspective. I've worked one year at my career job and our children are post high school adults. I have way too much time to ponder where I've been and to where I must go. I take my meds, have for a decade. I talk to my angel therapist weekly. I read intelligent blogs, like yours.

I recommend browsing:
I always feel supported and understood by "the band" and you may also.

thanks for sharing your soul with me. I am honored and impressed.

peace and chocolate,