Thursday, May 6, 2010

here I go again (just like whitesnake)

Tonight I'm packing my bags. I have a list of things to not forget to pack. Things like ibuprofen, Vaseline, and a knee brace.

Big Race weekend is here.

There's a whole mess of emotions filling me today. And I can't stop thinking; can't stop jumping from one extreme to the other. Like, my training has gone well, but this week has been a disaster. Or, I'm so sad that I can't race this, but I'm so happy to be running. I keep flip-flopping back and forth.

Part of my big, huge mental block about all of this probably lies in my deep seeded feeling of inadequacy. I've always tended to think (worry? fear?) that people will look at me and say "she's not good enough to be here." Or now, "she used to be good." And I feel this awful, compelling need to explain my life history; why I'm here, why I'm not so good anymore. Even though I'm pretty sure the reality of it all is that no one notices/cares what I'm doing (and I mean that in a good way).

So I'm working on not caring about them, either (and I mean that in a good way, too). Because I've spent far too long caring far too much.

Instead, I'm working to focus on the important part (important to me, at least). For me, the days of the "preferred start corral" are over. That's just how it is. Regardless of how willing my mind is, there are now physical limitations on what I can do. If I try to do more, it will cause me harm. I know this.

But I can run. That is the important part.

And this weekend, I get to run a Big Race. I get to kiss some bricks (The Bricks!).

I think, maybe, I've proven what I can do. Now this is what I get to do.

Indy, here I come.

7 comments:

Jade @ Tasting Grace said...

Just focus on having fun. Have fun and good luck! We'll be rootin' for you!

Lyndsay said...

You go girl!!! Take it easy and enjoy the journey! (And I'm sure you're right - everyone else will be too preoccupied with their own race to wonder about you... and I mean that in a good way, too. :)
Good luck and have fun!

InTheFastLane said...

I will be there, feeling just like you. I used to be good. Now, I am just running. I hope we see you somewhere. Expo tomorrow night?

Bacardi Mama said...

Kiss the bricks for me too. I don't doubt that you are going to do great. The problem here is that my definition of great and yours are two different things. Just have fun and take care of yourself. Love you!

~L said...

Kudos to you for running...not on my to-do list, ever! Hoping your journey is successful this weekend. :)

Stacia said...

Here's wishing you a good run, lots of endorphins, and many, many bricks to kiss!

Anonymous said...

remember the first indy...and the aerobook? i was thinking about that the other day when i was thinking about you running indy this year. do you still have the aerobook...of course you do. it made me smile. memories of you running ALWAYS make me smile. they are awesome memories! (except maybe for ohio, but lets just forget that...except the part where we had ub listening to kid rock...see a good memory) anyway, back on track here. they are awesome memories because you rock. they are awesome memories because i was always so proud of you for rocking...and the kicker is, nothing has changed. you may run "differently" and your reasons for running are "different" but you still ROCK and i am still ever so proud of you my friend.

so, since there was no "card" this year (you may rock, but sometimes...only once in a great while..i don't). good luck, have fun and there are many more awesome memories ahead. as usual, i look forward to your call tomorrow morning.

love ya :)