Tonight I'm packing my bags. I have a list of things to not forget to pack. Things like ibuprofen, Vaseline, and a knee brace.
Big Race weekend is here.
There's a whole mess of emotions filling me today. And I can't stop thinking; can't stop jumping from one extreme to the other. Like, my training has gone well, but this week has been a disaster. Or, I'm so sad that I can't race this, but I'm so happy to be running. I keep flip-flopping back and forth.
Part of my big, huge mental block about all of this probably lies in my deep seeded feeling of inadequacy. I've always tended to think (worry? fear?) that people will look at me and say "she's not good enough to be here." Or now, "she used to be good." And I feel this awful, compelling need to explain my life history; why I'm here, why I'm not so good anymore. Even though I'm pretty sure the reality of it all is that no one notices/cares what I'm doing (and I mean that in a good way).
So I'm working on not caring about them, either (and I mean that in a good way, too). Because I've spent far too long caring far too much.
Instead, I'm working to focus on the important part (important to me, at least). For me, the days of the "preferred start corral" are over. That's just how it is. Regardless of how willing my mind is, there are now physical limitations on what I can do. If I try to do more, it will cause me harm. I know this.
But I can run. That is the important part.
And this weekend, I get to run a Big Race. I get to kiss some bricks (The Bricks!).
I think, maybe, I've proven what I can do. Now this is what I get to do.
Indy, here I come.