Monday, September 13, 2010

pillars of salt and pillars of sand

So much needed to get done this past weekend. And so much did not get done. And it's not all going to get done. Ever. Because there is just not enough time to do it.

And I did not do something I had planned to do. And I would guess there were some (not so nice) comments made about that choice; comments that I will never hear. Those comments will possibly be made worse when it gets out that I (gasp!) chose to do something just for me for a few hours of the weekend. But don't worry. I feel horridly guilty about all of it.


It's odd to me that so much of my "youthful idealism" remains intact, while so much of it has been stripped away. (By the reality of the situation? The reality of life? Either way, I guess.)

There are things that used to matter to me; things I used to think mattered, period. But I think they only mattered to me. (Maybe a few others, too.)

I used to have passion and enthusiasm. It used to be exciting. Because I thought it mattered.


Not so much.

The first time I heard the song Viva La Vida, I sobbed. I didn't really understand why at the time. But now I do.


I feel guilty. Guilty for my loss of enthusiasm. Guilty for the things I cannot do. Guilty for the things I chooses to not do. Guilty for the things I choose to do. Guilty for wanting to put my real life (my family, my friends, my health, my well-being) first. Guilty for feeling resentment. Guilty for enjoying 45 stolen minutes just sitting with my husband when I should have been working or cleaning or running or or or or. Just a lot of guilty.

And that doesn't seem right.

But there it is. And here I am.

"One minute I held the key, next the walls were closed on me."

But I'm working on it. (Working through it.)


~L said...

I support your choices...for whatever it's worth to you. I can feel your pain, frustration, confusion, sadness. Viva la vida today...because today is what we have now to work with. Like Bono threads through his lyrics, leave it behind, you can't take it with you, open your arms to the sunburst street and sing out, walk step at a time chocolate girl.
Praying for your peace,

Bacardi Mama said...

If you are talking about us, you are very wrong. You were mentioned three times that i know of. Once when your sister said you weren't coming because you had too much to get done. Second, when Rose asked if you were coming because she was excited to see you. Lastly, when Julie asked if she could send your shirt home with us. it wasn't a big deal. nobody cared. Doing what's right for you doesn't make you a bad person. There is need to feel guilty. Love you!

Bacardi Mama said...

Just read all the typos in the first comment. The most important being,,, There is NO need to feel guilty!

InTheFastLane said...

Guilt is so hard. And we are so good at making ourselves feel guilty whether we need to or not.

Taking care of yourself IS important. And I don't do that as much as I should.