Friday, October 23, 2009

Is the grass greener on the other side? Or do I just like green, so I keep looking at it?

I can be kind of a walking contradiction. I'm very solitary by nature. Very quiet. Very independent. I like to be on my own and do things by myself. I'm actually kind of proud of all I've done on my own. But... I also spend a significant amount of time feeling like I don't quite fit in anywhere.

I was always kind of the "third wheel" friend growing up. Everyone had a group of friends. And I had friends. But not a group. So I'd get asked to birthday parties and the like, where everyone was invited. But I was also the person who'd get called to spend the night only if the first choice (or two) already had plans. And I was usually okay with that. I usually didn't care, because I was doing my own thing.

Even up into high school (and, really, college) plans would get made, and I'd usually be left out of them. Because I wasn't really part of a group. And that all kind of didn't bother me, because I was still happy to read a book, or whatever it was I was doing. But it also kind of did bother me, because a (smallish) part of me kind of wanted to be "that girl" with the friends and the social life. (I think the word is "popular." But I try to not use it, because it kind of gives me a queasy feeling.)

I'm still very solitary. I still do a lot (um, almost everything) by myself. And I still usually like that just fine, thankyouverymuch.

I still have a very small collection of friends, and they are not a "group" at all. They are all people that I know (and love dearly) independent of one another. And that's good. But sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be fun, to, you know, go out with" the girls."

Even in my family (big wonderful collection of people that they are), I sometimes I wonder where I fit in there. I sometimes wonder if I fit in.

It's good that I found Hubby, because he's solitary, too. He'd also rather have a quiet dinner and go sip a warm beverage someplace quiet. To chat. To watch a movie. To go hiking. We're kind of our own group, now. And it's a good group. A very good group.

And, really truly, I like this solitary-ness that is my life. It's what I choose. Quiet. Calm. Laughing (and laughing) with Best Friend. Outdoors. Hot cocoa. Baked goods with Coffee Friend. Books. Hanging out with Hubby. Baking cookies. Shopping with Work Friend. Running. This is a good life.

But still..... Sometimes I just wonder what it's like on the other side.


InTheFastLane said...

I have always had friends, but I am never one who craves a big group of them always together. I have them. But, I tend to be more like you; happy to do my own thing. But then there is the craziness of family, and that is good, but, it makes me want to be alone even more, because that alone time is so rare. And when I have the choice between being with others, and having time alone, I almost always pick to be alone.

But, yes, sometimes I see people who are different than that and I wonder what that is like. And then it makes me tired and want to be alone :)

Lyndsay said...

It's Saturday night and Hubs is out at his baseball wind-up. The house is quiet and I am alone and I am happy! I'm catching up on my blogs and soon will head upstairs, crawl under the covers and finish my book. Without these solitary nights every so often I start getting squirrely. I know JUST what you mean!

mommy boo of two said...

I know what you mean. I was, more or less, the same way in high school where I did have lots of friends, but it was such a mish mosh of friends that I was a 'floater' so to speak. So I didn't do the big group stuff and same really didn't bug me at all. And especially now, I'm all about having quiet time to myself (alone or with Husband) as often as the opportunity presents itself. I think you're totally normal and more people fit into your catagory than you think. Good post :)