I can be kind of a walking contradiction. I'm very solitary by nature. Very quiet. Very independent. I like to be on my own and do things by myself. I'm actually kind of proud of all I've done on my own. But... I also spend a significant amount of time feeling like I don't quite fit in anywhere.
I was always kind of the "third wheel" friend growing up. Everyone had a group of friends. And I had friends. But not a group. So I'd get asked to birthday parties and the like, where everyone was invited. But I was also the person who'd get called to spend the night only if the first choice (or two) already had plans. And I was usually okay with that. I usually didn't care, because I was doing my own thing.
Even up into high school (and, really, college) plans would get made, and I'd usually be left out of them. Because I wasn't really part of a group. And that all kind of didn't bother me, because I was still happy to read a book, or whatever it was I was doing. But it also kind of did bother me, because a (smallish) part of me kind of wanted to be "that girl" with the friends and the social life. (I think the word is "popular." But I try to not use it, because it kind of gives me a queasy feeling.)
I'm still very solitary. I still do a lot (um, almost everything) by myself. And I still usually like that just fine, thankyouverymuch.
I still have a very small collection of friends, and they are not a "group" at all. They are all people that I know (and love dearly) independent of one another. And that's good. But sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be fun, to, you know, go out with" the girls."
Even in my family (big wonderful collection of people that they are), I sometimes I wonder where I fit in there. I sometimes wonder if I fit in.
It's good that I found Hubby, because he's solitary, too. He'd also rather have a quiet dinner and go sip a warm beverage someplace quiet. To chat. To watch a movie. To go hiking. We're kind of our own group, now. And it's a good group. A very good group.
And, really truly, I like this solitary-ness that is my life. It's what I choose. Quiet. Calm. Laughing (and laughing) with Best Friend. Outdoors. Hot cocoa. Baked goods with Coffee Friend. Books. Hanging out with Hubby. Baking cookies. Shopping with Work Friend. Running. This is a good life.
But still..... Sometimes I just wonder what it's like on the other side.