it's so frustrating to know what it is that you need to do, but to feel completely unable to do it. like not eating so much sugar. i've been obsessing lately (again) about the size of my thighs, the width of my hips, the amount my tummy sticks out. i was reading a book about such things and trying to figure out where all of my unbeliveable (unbearable?) obsessing about this began. because i don't think it was always this way. but i think that i spent a lot of time with my grandma when i was young, and she was very accepting, and she liked food and baking and reading, and that's what i did with her, learned to love reading and baking and food. and then she died. and i looked around at the rest of my family. and they are a wonderful family. really really. i love them all dearly. but my mom, i don't ever remember her being happy or comfortable with her self or the way her body looked, even though she's a great mom and would take me on picnics and made me ribbon barrettes and recorded purple rain and edited out the naughty parts so i could watch it. but i don't remember her liking how she looked. and when i started to notice that my body was kind of becoming shaped like hers, what does that say about me? and then there are a whole gaggle of other people in my family who are not very accepting of differences or different body shapes or the concept of eating in general and are not afraid to let you know that they think you are too big or eat too much or dress frumpy. like my senior year prom night - i didn't go to prom but i went to see all my friends in the grand march. and when i got home to the family birthday party that was going on, i took a piece of cheesecake, fully intending to enjoy it. and a namelss relative said to me "well maybe if you didn't eat so much cheesecake you could go to the prom too." what am i supposed to do with that? and that's just one example. how am i supposed to come out of that with a half way decent body image at all? or even necessarily like myself much. and all the while i was learning to love reading and baking and food, other people were doing things that were apparently more acceptable, like playing baseball and stuff. so there was that, too, that i didn't seem to have much going on in that way. i mean, eventually i found that i loved to run, but that didn't come until later. actually probably too late, because i think maybe ideas about me - mine and others - were already formed and i was just going to be the chubby girl for all eternity. 10 minutes is up now.
tell it to me tuesday
PS- Jade, I might not like you too much right now for making me post this. I'll get over it, though.